5 Other Places

While I love Nine Moons (and even visit By Common Consent and Times & Seasons, from time to time), I must admit that my life online doesn't revolve around the Bloggernacle™. In fact, of the eight or so hours a day I spend online (work, mostly), I'd say only a few precious moments each morning are spent among the saints. What, pray tell, could possibly tempt me away from the iron-alloy rod? Well … lemme tell you. I won't bore you with a list of all 600+ feeds in my newsreader. Instead, I'll just hand pick a few gems:

1001 Rules for My Unborn Son — part of a larger library of "daddy" and "dude" sites I follow (Cool Tools, The Art of Manliness), 1001 Rules is a delightful compendium of wisdom, wit (ahem), and music. Start at the beginning.

TED Talks — I love having my world view challenged (occasionally). These folks who bill themselves as "ideas worth spreading", offer "riveting talks by remarkable people". And they do it with charm and panache. My favorite? A must-watch 15 minute talk on the Liberal and Conservative mindsets.

Cute Overload — sometimes kittens (or puppies, or something else, entirely) are just what the doctor ordered for a bad day. Be sure to check out the Rules of Cuteness.

Front Porch Republic (found via the inimitable Russell Fox) — I am, most of all, a political creature. As a child, I dreamt of being king of a small, sovereign state carved out of Montana (apparently I wasn't alone). But practical considerations suggested I work within the system. The folks at FPP write much that resonates with the best of me. I think they may resonate with you, too.

Player-vs-Player (a close second would have been Looking for Group) — online comics are my guilty pleasure. And PvP is the best-written, best-drawn, geekiest, and funniest of them all. No need to start at the beginning, you can catch-up with the character bios. Or just buy a t-shirt.

NB: This post is cross-posted from 5 Other Places, at Nine Moons. Please join us over there to comment!

Dude.

Father's Day — in the US, at least — is quickly approaching. So it's somehow appropriate that I've got a hankering to talk about men. Nothing salacious, mind you … just a post on the enigmatic state of being a guy today.

I've said it before: men and women are different creatures. I know this, perhaps, better than I know most anything. As a gay man, I am inexplicably drawn to that elusive quality that makes men … men. It's certainly not anatomy; nor our job or the way we dress; nor our mannerisms or the roles we play in life. But there is something — something preternatural — that resonates within us, Male and Female.

So if it's not any of that — if our eternal gender is something so obfuscated by culture and genome — why care? Why all the fuss? I can't speak definitively, of course … but I've got a hunch.

Culture, in many ways, is part of a complex survival mechanism. It gives us the tools to both survive and thrive within a given context. Sure, it's imperfect, but it's powerful all the same. So being able to internalize and transmit ones culture is a sign of ones spiritual/psychological fitness in much the same way that symmetry in physique is a sign of ones genetic health — and it carries with it the same heady allure.

But something happened over the last century. Culture became unhinged, in many respects, from reality. The feedback loop which kept most aspects of a given culture intimately connected to its milieu was co-opted by technology and our own counter-culture drive. For the time being — blessed, as we are, with practically free energy and blinded as we are by technology — culture isn't a matter of survival. It's an accessory like shoes or cufflinks. So now we pick and choose from myriad cultures the shiny bits that intrigue us, while ignoring the repercussions.

Men no longer enjoy the confidence of living within a cohesive culture.

Sitcoms tell us that men are buffoons. That we are hapless, witless, feckless creatures — outshone in every respect by women (which, I suspect, is equally annoying to women). We're told that we think about sex constantly and engage in sex at such an early age that by junior high, the virginal male is social equivalent of a third nipple: pathetic and ineffectual. Other players tell us that average men sport genitalia of equine proportions and are either bronzed and polished gods or hirsute demigods. Still others feed on our sartorial sensibilities and dress us up in costumes unbefitting men who actually work and live in anything but Second Life™. I could go on … but you get the idea.

And that's just in secular life … General Authorities and their comments about the spiritual superiority of women and the odd and pervasive comments about wives always being right are as emasculating as the sitcoms. Moreover, the rhetoric of role-playing and stewardship — which I believe obliquely addresses eternal principles — is stuck in Mid-century America. With the Beavers.

But there's hope.

A nascent man movement in the US — which has roots both in religious circles and the secular world — seems to be scratching at the surface of the problem … and blogs such as The Art of Manliness and Rules for My Unborn Son are fine products of this renaissance. It's a hard thing, though, to refashion something so complex and nuanced as culture from scratch. It's a bit like the scientists of Jurassic Park fame attempting to recreate dinosaurs from incomplete DNA, spittle, and hubris. We're bound to create a few monsters along the way. It's not a natural process, after all — cut-off as we are from the bright and instructive light of life outside our technology-induced stupor. Which is why I think that the Church's role could prove pivotal. And the Proclamation on the Family is a good start. But I fear that we won't really understand the value of that document for some time — burdened as we are by the muddy mandates of memory.

So that's it. Like so many things in modern life, what it means to be a man is much less clear — but if we're careful and given to inspiration, we'll exit the other side of this fog better men, better sons, brothers, and fathers. Which is to say, in so many words, happy Father's Day (whatever that means).

NB: This post is cross-posted from Dude, please join us over there to comment!

A Very Gay Transcript

A heads-up: a web/e-mail friendly transcript of the Very Gay Podcast is available at my YouPublish site: A Very Gay Transcript. It’s available (like the podcast itself) for anyone to use, under a Creative Commons license.

That is all.

A Totally Gay Podcast

I was recently interviewed by Nine Moons founder Rusty Clifton about my being gay and active in the church — and about California's Proposition 8. If you've got 45 minutes, give it a listen…

Listen to the podcast…

NB: This post is cross-posted from Nine Moons: A Totally Gay Podcast, please join us over there to comment!

For all My Friends with Offspring

Oh man … I wish I had had this when I was loosing my teeth — check out this fancy-schmancy Tooth Fairy kit.

Que C'est Mignone!

Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

What Goes "In" Must Come "Out"

For your reading pleasure: another wonderful snapshot of family life at Samantha's home. Thank you Adam. Thank you Samantha.

:)

And here are a couple of stories (I & II) that sound like Adam in 30 years.

Of Good Report, 1 | Fablehaven

So when CJane posted a series of posts highlighting the good and praiseworthy in her life (starting here), I was inspired to christen it a meme — and to join in the fun. Based loosely on the 13th article of our faith, her posts encouraged us all to dwell — even for only a short while — on the beautiful. So I decided to follow suit…

Tonight, I'd like to post about the Fablehaven books for young adults. It's not world peace or a cure for cancer… but good stories — especially good stories for children — can inspire the next generation. And I've found the Fablehaven books to be remarkable.

I had seen the books a few times, but their covers (a little too… much) didn't really invite a closer look. And then, out of the blue, I connected with a friend from college… Brandon Mull. "So, Brandon", I asked: "what's going on in your life?" … "Oh, I'm writing! Like I've always wanted" … "Writing? Does that treat you well?" … "Well, I've got a couple of books that have been on the New York Times Bestseller list".

And that's when I decided to read Fablehaven.

I was a little apprehensive, really… what if I didn't like them? What would I say to Brandon? But, as luck would have it, I needn't have worried. The stories are engaging; the prose is tight, well-edited, and doesn't shy away from the occasional 25¢ word; the characters are multi-dimensional; and there are consequenses to poor decisions… not to put too fine a point on it, they are solid contenders for Harry Potter's crown. Solid.

So that, my friends, is today's good report.

This post is part of a week-long series focusing on the good and praiseworthy in my life… please consider reading all seven: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

What Is Modesty, Really?

I think we understand what the standards of modesty are in the church. Cover your garment if you where one or dress like you wear one if you hope to some day. And when modesty is discussed at a BYU campus, it's almost entirely framed within the context of the Honor Code — and the Honor Code Office's delightful, quirky, and just a little creepy advertising.

But what is modesty? What are we trying to achieve?

It can't just be about dress and appearance, can it? Sure it's hard to not dress your daughter like a floozie — but is that the length and width of the issue? Aren't we really just picking at the surface of a higher law — a body ethic?

What might that ethic include — what would it look like, how might it behave? And what would its scriptural underpinnings be — or would it come from somewhere else?

NB: This post is cross-posted from Nine Moons: What Is Modesty, Really, please join us over there to comment!

The Unkindest Cut

It's not exactly like being stabbed by your best friend — but male circumcision isn't far off.

Practiced for millennia among the children of Abraham as a religious rite, male circumcision is, today, wide-spread in the US as a pseudo-medical procedure. But it's coming under renewed scrutiny as a rising generation begin to wonder what they've been missing (I, II, III). And while the issue is certainly divisive among lay-people, it's also a point of contention among medical professionals.



The controversy isn't new, of course… the apostle Paul had a run-in on the matter.

So. Here's the question: if you had a son today, would you circumcise him? Is there a religious component to your decision — or is it merely medical or cosmetic? I'd especially like to hear from our non-US readers, who (if they circumcise), are likely a minority in their countries.

NB: This entry is cross-posted from Nine Moons: The Unkindest Cut, please join us over there to comment!

Go Wild!

The Wildlife Conservation Society — who own and operate New York City's zoos and aquarium — are hoping to capitalize on the avatar craze in its outreach efforts. Yes, it's a bald marketing gimmick… but it's a fun, bald, marketing gimmick.

So what are you waiting for? Build your wild self!

I Think My Son May Be Gay

Recently, I received a letter from a mother. She recalled finding some questionable (though largely innocent) Google searches in her home computer's history. She and her husband talked to each of their children, their son tearfully confessed that they were his. She and her husband begged him to come to them if he had such questions in the future. A little while later, she found a few more searches of a more graphic nature. She then spoke about other things in his life that led her to believe that he might be questioning his sexuality. She apologized profusely but asked what advice I might offer.

After struggling for a few days with what to say, I finally sat-down late one evening to write. Four hours, 2000 words, and a few prayers later, I was done. With her permission, I share the letter with you, hoping that others might benefit.

Good evening.

I must admit to being both flattered and utterly overwhelmed by your request. But I will tackle it as best I can... I do pray that there is value in my response, and that the Spirit improves upon it.

I apologize in advance for being pedantic — it's because I don't know anything about you or your family dynamic. I don't know whether you're a good mother (though I imagine you are) or whether your husband is a good father (though I imagine he is). I pray that both of you are kind, supportive, and loving parents... that you show your love, to borrow from the hymn, in both word and deed, and that your children know that they are loved and appreciate what a precious gift that is. I also apologize for stating the obvious... and for addressing issues of sex and sexuality in a frank manner.


So. Let's dig in...

Boys of all ages are curious creatures. They are curious about the world around them, and — perhaps more-so — about their own bodies in all their messy glory. Penises, farts, mouths, fingers, eyes, boogers — all are sources of endless wonder — much to the astonishment of dads (who often forget what being a boy is all about) and moms (who can barely handle their husbands' muted fascination with all things scatological). Your son, whom I'll call Forrest (one of my all-time favorite boy names), is probably no different... I would encourage you to leave room in your heart and mind for the very real chance that the online forays were nothing more than internet-enabled efforts to sate an insatiable curiosity.

That being said, the internet is not a wise place to go hunting for innocent information on sex or the body. There are just too many poisonous sites out there. And inasmuch as you will not likely curb his curiosity any time soon, I would strongly suggest purchasing filtering and notification software. I co-founded a software company that designed such software — but that was years ago, and I don't know what the state of the industry is these days. If you can, I would look for software that uses white lists, watch words, black lists, and human intelligence to filter. Use software that can send parents information of attempts at accessing blocked information by account holders — preferably with each user having their own private account. Finally, computer(s) should be in public areas in the home. No filter is perfect, and having bodies around when you're surfing is a good deterrent. Do the children have individual accounts on the computer? Barring the purchase of filtering software, I would encourage you at the very least to give each child their own account — so you can more accurately assess and address problems.

The fact that you found additional sites upon further inspection, and that these sites were of a decidedly more graphic nature, is not encouraging — but I remind you again that these additional sites may also be nothing more than (inappropriate) curiosity. I would also submit that the first set and the second set of traces may not be from the same individual.

So let's move-on, and — for the sake of discussion — let's assume that Forrest is responsible for all the questionable internet surfing. Let's also assume that he is, at the very least, questioning his own sexuality.

I don't envy him...

Humans are pack animals — it's in our genes — and we will go to great lengths to ensure that our packs are filled with fellows of a like mind. And children — who have yet to fully develop higher brain functions associated with logic and consequence appreciation — are very effective at singling-out the odd birds. Sometimes it's a cold shoulder... sometimes it's verbal... and sometimes it's physical. The primal urges that incite these reactions are the same ones that scream to us: don't stand out! don't be different! Forrest isn't being difficult — he's just doing what he thinks is essential to survive in the pack at school, the pack at church, and the one at home.

Only sweeping changes in social norms will effect change in the school pack... but you can effect change in the church and — to a much greater degree — home packs.

On the church front, I would — carefully, and hopefully under the influence of the Spirit — share with ward and auxiliary leaders that you have suspicions that a number of the children in your ward may be questioning their orientation. Refuse to give specifics, but suggest that making the ward as safe as possible for questioning youth to come to their leaders should be a high priority — because children need to be safe to speak about what's in their hearts and minds if parents and leaders are ever going to be effective in their callings as educators and exemplars.

At home, I would take certain steps to make certain that the language used — especially by yourself and your husband — reinforces a supportive environment. That means that "gay" can't be a slur or a synonym for "stupid" or "worthless"; it means that "faggot" or "fag" are never ever used. It also means avoiding pet names for human sexuality or the body — a practice that reinforces the idea that sexuality and our bodies are something to hate, shun, or fear. Fear stifles communication and distorts understanding; fear is the enemy of truth and light.

Forrest is likely to wonder whether he would be disowned or thrown out of the house if you perceived that he was gay. I would make certain through oblique and direct reference that he understands that he will always have a home with you and that you think parents who do such things are monsters — or, at the very least, horribly horribly misguided. This isn't as hard as you might think — our society is currently enthralled by all things gay, and commenting on stories you see in a way that conveys the message of unconditional love should be fairly straight-forward.

Forrest, I imagine, is pretty bright. He'll probably see right through your efforts.

And that's okay.

Kids get a kick out of parents being oblique, because it makes the children feel smart and insightful... and as long as your efforts are not hypocritical or seen as self-serving, you'll likely experience success.

Of course, it can't be all gay all the time, because that will wear both you and the children out... instead, this effort should be part of a new commitment to open communication in your family. I'm certain you can think of other issues that could use a little daylight — both positive and problematic.

So we've assumed that Forrest is questioning his orientation... now let's assume that he's confided in you.

What next?

He should know that you won't keep secrets from your spouse. If he tells you first, you should offer to tell his father.

Now this is where it becomes a little tricky: orientation is a complex creature, and because he's young, and because his self-perception is based on incomplete data, he should be given as much room as possible to be straight. If there is any chance that he can live as a healthy and honest straight man, that should be fostered. Fostered — but in a way that doesn't discount his eternal value based of his final orientation. With this in mind, there are the very real consequences in whom he choses to tell: the likelihood that most people — especially his peers — will differentiate between "I think I might be gay" and "I'm gay" is low. Which means that the reaction he will likely get will based on the latter, rather than the former. Depending on their upbringing, their maturity, and their personal experiences, those whom he tells will react differently — but all of their reactions will likely be towards Forrest as a gay youth. People unfriendly towards gays will be provoked and people friendly towards gays will be encouraging. Neither reaction is what you want, as neither reaction will give Forrest the space he needs to come to his own conclusions. To this end, Forrest should be encouraged to keep the matter to himself. How you do that, though, may make all the difference in how he perceives the request.

So you know and your husband knows. You should find out who else knows and prayerfully consider whom else to tell — with Forrest being the final arbiter on any further disclosure. Should your bishop know? Maybe. What about his scout master? Probably not. In the end, you want adults to know who are discrete and supportive of this enlightened version of the wait-and-see approach — but only if they bring real value to the table.

You should also make certain that your interactions with him don't change markedly. He's still the same boy he was a week ago. Balance this, of course, with his need for you to talk about it. Too many parents show that "it's no big deal" by never raising the subject again — which is sure to signal rejection to the child.

Children need to talk things through in order to understand them... and so do parents!

: )

Now that you know, it would be good to join — quietly, perhaps — a group of parents dealing with similar issues. In Utah, the Family Fellowship is the place to go. I know the founders... I also know the current leaders, Gary and Millie Watts, and they are an amazing couple. They, and the other parents in the group, will prove to be a wonderful resource for you and your husband. Here's their contact information:

http://www.ldsfamilyfellowship.org/


When Forrest returns from his mission, you should revisit where he's at with his orientation. For the sake of further discussion, let's assume he has come to the conclusion that he's gay.

Ask when he plans on telling his siblings and extended family — and offer to help. Let him know that you hope he will carefully come to full disclosure. Disclosure is important, but needs to be done on his terms. There is no reason to force the issue, and he should know that you have his back completely on this. If there are potential problem areas that you can foresee, share these. Secrets canker the soul and destroy relationships... but the truth also has consequences — often unforeseen.

I think this is far enough for our scenario... I do hope, though, that should he choose to date, that you would include his dates in your family life as much as you would any of your other children's dates. Beyond that, well... let's cross that road when we get there. This e-mail is already very long.

---

Some miscellaneous advice:

His Relations with Other Boys — The boy/boy dynamic is hard enough between straight boys, but will be put to the test should Forrest start questioning his orientation. He should be taught to respect other boys' boundaries, but to otherwise not obsess about all the what-ifs... and he should be encouraged to develop a sense of humor to defray awkward situations. The locker room, sleep-overs, group dates, and the like will all pose interesting challenges. With some guidance from you and the Spirit, he'll likely come through all of these with a better understanding of people, a deeper appreciation of our differences, and a few funny stories.

Masturbation — Forrest likely masturbates. He also probably fantasizes about others when he does. He's certain to feel guilty about it, and will likely think that masturbation is a sign that he's gay. Since most boys masturbate, this doesn't make sense — but Forrest probably thinks that he's the only one that does it.

This is probably not a conversation you should have with Forrest. This is definitely dad's area. Might I suggest, though, that he treat masturbation and fantasizing as two different issues? Despite its sexual nature, I would encourage you to treat masturbation as a matter of self control, and not perversion. I've heard parents talk of masturbation like it was actually fornication (or worse) — and that doesn't do anyone any good.

On the fantasy front, I've found it helpful to talk through how fantasizing about people objectifies them — makes them less than children of God... And that fantasies, even though they are private, change the way we interact with people in real life.

This is also a good time to talk about wet dreams. Chances are high that he's having wet dreams — especially if he's not masturbating. The body has to dispose of the copious amounts of semen it creates, and wet dreams are one of the most efficient ways of doing it. Recent studies suggests that some wet dreams are after-the-fact — that men ejaculate before having the explanatory dream. This is useful for young men to know, to curb the desire to fantasize themselves into a wet dream and to salve the guilt associated with them. Of course, this isn't always the case, and young men should be reminded that dreams are largely out of their control — but that fantasy masquerading as dreams is still fantasy.

(Good heavens! This is heavy stuff...)

Sex — Forrest is a teenager, so the chance that he's having sex is real. Forrest needs to know that oral and anal sex (whether as the penetrator or as the penetrated ) pose a high risk of sexually transmitted disease. It's hard to say "don't have sex" and "get checked for STDs" in the same sentence... but it would be tragic if a stupid decision by a teenager had lasting and irreparable consequences. It would be especially tragic if they could have been avoided by a simple and inexpensive test. The Utah AIDS Foundation is a wonderful resource on the subject of STDs — but you should know that they are a sex-positive organization. They have to be to be effective.

http://utahaids.org/


Grief & Loss — Should you learn Forrest is gay, you will not only have to deal with that, but with the loss of the dreams you had for him. Should Forrest come to that point, he, too, will have to mourn the future he will not have. Each of you should be ready to deal with that loss and the attendant mourning. But mourning the death of a lost future doesn't have to mean resenting reality. This article on the classic "five stages of grief" may prove useful:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Stages_of_Grief


Alright... that's all for now. It's a lot longer than I had expected. I tried to be candid — I pray it's useful. I'm always, of course, available should either you or your husband have any questions.

God bless you in this journey.

Heartwrenching

A gift — painful and heartfelt — from Smurf Yourself.

Please read…

Portraits in Nirvana

Perhaps it started with that Nirvana album cover… but underwater pictures of babies seem to have captured our imagination. Now there's a company that specializes in these ethereal portraits. Urchin Rock, a UK-based agency, seems to go all-out to accommodate parents in their quest for unique portraits.

What with the baby culture we have here, in Utah, I wonder if this wouldn't be a super idea for some enterprising local photographer.

Dr Binky

Came across this interesting medicine-administering baby pacifier from Kidz-Med during my surfing this morning, and I thought it would be useful to all my readers with kids.

: )

Hat tip: CoolTools

Um... Pee, Poo, and Germs

This post is a gift to all my readers with small children, or young nephews and neices ( man, we need a categorical term for that, don't we — like "siblings" or "cousins"... hm... ).

Enjoy: Pee, Poo, and Germs.

I love _____.

I recently came upon this gem over at Protean, and I knew that I needed to share it with you:


High up in the Rockies a small boy and his mother were visiting. One day, after he had been punished, the boy ran to the edge of the cliff and shouted at his mother, "I hate you! I hate you!" Across the ravine came the echo, "I hate you! I hate you!" Thoroughly frightened the boy ran to his mother and said . "Who is that bad man over there who said, 'I hate you'?" Taking the boy's hand, the mother led him back to the top of the cliff, "Now," she said, "call out 'I love you! I love you!'" Clearly and sweetly the echo came, repeating his words. "My boy," said the mother, taking him into her arms, "that is the law of life — what you give, you get in return.


James Keller
Source: Three Minutes by James Keller, M. M., 1950

Wishlist: Cuboro Building Blocks

I would have just put them in my Amazon Wishlist... but Amazon doesn't list them.

* sigh *

I'm a sucker for cool toys.

: )